3.1.2022 No One is Coming to Save Me
Alice, you’re calling to me
Little white rabbits all around
Begging, motioning, telling me to follow
My feet might be planted on this little blue planet
But my head is in the clouds
Seeking desperately a rhyme, a reason to all this madness, all this global sadness
What’s behind that daunting wall
Why don’t I care if I fall
Upside down all turned around
I want to know the unknown
I want to explore the unexplored
You found your Mad Hatter
The only one who truly understood
Encouraged you to be you in all your too muchness
Told you to rise up and slay, save the day
All the men before weren’t enough
They’re not meant for me
I don’t want a semi-lived life
Domestic bliss as someone’s wife
I want stories; fabled glories
Archetypes and saints calling to me
Leaving behind all these tears and fears
No one is coming to save me
Time to recognize I’m more than all this sadness
Time for me to rise and embrace all this sweet madness
Free falling into this glorious rabbit hole…
3.1.2018
I thought a good time wasn’t possible unless there was alcohol involved. I’m ashamed to admit this but it is true.
When we finally give up and stop running God wastes no time. Somehow this beautiful podcast ended up playing out of my iPhone one morning on my way to work, and what followed was a completely new way for me to look at my life.
Rachel Hart just completely unraveled my warped thinking in 20 minutes and gave me freedom from something I knew I was overusing but didn’t quite know how to get away from…
http://www.rachelhart.com/podcast/enjoyment
Transcription from her website. Her other podcasts are just as amazing and I can’t get enough of them!
“Whether or not you are enjoying yourself, whether or not you’re having a good time depends on the thoughts running through your mind while you are doing something. Now, most of you do not think about enjoyment in this way. You believe that an activity itself is either inherently enjoyable to you, or it isn’t. But I want to show you that that’s not quite how the think-feel-act cycle works. And this is a big issue for everybody really, but it’s in particular a big issue if you want to change your drinking, because of course, drinking and enjoyment are so often linked together.
So I have two examples that I want to give you, examples that I think will help show you that it’s not about an activity being inherently enjoyable or not, but it’s about what you’re thinking while you’re doing that activity. So my two examples are dancing and painting. I think both of these are perfect examples. I hear so many people say, “I hate to dance. I don’t dance. Dancing’s not my thing” or, “I’m just not artistic. I’ve never been any good at stuff like that, like, that’s not something I do. I don’t like it.”
But here’s the thing. Have you ever really watched little kids dance and paint? Right? Like, when you see little kids that are dancing or painting, and sometimes doing both of those at the same time, they are just like, “Yeah, let’s do this. Moving my body is fun. Playing with colors is fun.” Right? Enjoyment is available to them because they don’t yet have all these thoughts running through their mind that adults do, or even you know, older kids do.
They aren’t thinking, “Do I look stupid? Am I doing this right? I feel ridiculous. I don’t know what I’m doing. That painting is so much better than mine. This is ugly, I’m no good.” Right? Really little kids are just like, “Yeah, this is great. I love it. I love moving my body. I love painting.” And I know some of you will come back to me and say, “Yeah, but the reason I have all these questions doubting my ability, the reason why I’m questioning whether or not I’m a good dancer or whether or not I can actually paint something that looks okay is because I’m not a real dancer, I’m not a real artist.”
But here is the thing that I want you to consider. A dancer is just a person who moves her body to express what she is feeling. And I’m pretty sure that all of you listening are capable of moving your body in some way to express how you are feeling. And the same is true with an artist, right? An artist is just a person who uses materials around her to bring her ideas to life.
Now listen, you have ideas. I know you do. There are materials around you to express those ideas, but whether or not you are willing to use them to create something, whether or not you are willing to move your body to express how you feel, now, that is a whole other story. But there is no doubt in my mind that you are capable of doing both. And the reason that you don’t enjoy it, the reason that you’ll say, “I’m no good at this. I’m not a dancer. I can’t paint. I’m not creative” is because of all the thoughts you have about what you are doing and or what you are making. So really, whether or not you enjoy yourself when you move your body, or when you bring to life an idea depends entirely on what you’re thinking while you’re doing these things. This is how the think-feel-act cycle works.
Let me tell you, if you are on the dance floor and you are thinking, “Oh my god, I look so stupid”, you’re going to feel embarrassed. And guess what, your action is going to be. You’re probably going to sit down. Right? You’re probably going to move to the far wall and lean against it, or go to the bar and get a drink, or go to your table and sit back down.
And if you look at something that you have drawn, and you think, “God, that’s terrible. This is terrible”, guess what? You’re going to feel ashamed and probably crumple up the paper and throw it away. But the dancing and the drawing, or the painting, it didn’t make you feel anything until you started judging it with your thoughts. So I have some bad news, but also some good news for you. Whether or not you are enjoying yourself at any given moment is up to you. It’s your responsibility. Now, I know for some of you that’s kind of bad news, because it’s like, “Jeez, another thing I have to be in charge of”, right? But I think it’s fantastic news. Because if it is up to me, then I can look at what I am thinking, I can pay attention to how the think-feel-act cycle is working while I’m doing something, and I can change it.
So I can start to enjoy things that I may have previously told myself, “You look like an idiot. This is no good. This work is junk.” I can learn how to enjoy things just by changing my thoughts. I don’t have to go out and become you know, a master dancer or a master painter. I just have to change the thoughts that are running through my mind.
And the truth is that nobody can change those thoughts but you. This is why it’s your responsibility. No one gets to crack open your head and tinker with your own think-feel-act cycle. That’s what you get to do. So yes, it is up to you. But this is great news because if it is up to you, then what I am telling you is that there is always the possibility of enjoying yourself in what you are doing. If you are willing to pay attention to your thoughts, if you are willing to notice how those thoughts make you feel and how you act as a result of how you are feeling, then you can decide, “Hey, do I want to keep this think-feel-act cycle? Is this thought really working for me?” And if it’s not, then you can challenge your thinking on purpose.
You can maybe decide that you won’t say things to yourself like, “I look like an idiot. This is terrible. This drawing is terrible.” Right? You can start maybe just as a first step, talking about the things that you are doing and the things you are creating in a more neutral way.
Now, here’s what most of us learn to do unconsciously. What we end up learning to do is outsourcing our enjoyment to things that give our brain dopamine. So the things that we consume, what we eat, and of course, what we drink, becomes how we teach our brain to seek out enjoyment in so many different situations.
And I hear this all the time. I hear people say, “If I go out to dinner and I’m the only one that’s not drinking, it’s going to be so boring”, “If I go to the party and my glass only has club soda in it, I’m going to be miserable.” But I want to tell you this – if food and drink are the best things about who you are with and what you are doing, then you are doing it wrong. Really.
I am not saying that that means you can never enjoy a glass of wine, or eat a piece of cake. But if the thought of going to a party and not consuming things for pleasure leaves your brain thinking, “Why would I even bother going?” then that’s something you really want to know about yourself and pay attention to.
The reason why you’re convinced you’ll be bored and miserable if you aren’t drinking or eating is because you’ve become so dependent on consuming things that give your brain dopamine as the primary way of enjoying yourself and having a good time. Now, this is not your fault. No one ever sat you down and taught you about the think-feel-act cycle. No one ever said, “Hey listen, if you’re not enjoying yourself, you really need to look and see what’s going on in your mind. You really need to pay attention to the thoughts and see how they’re making you feel.” We don’t get that information. And so of course, for many of us, when we’re in situations, especially situations where drinking is really common and we find ourselves feeling a little uncomfortable, or a little anxious, or a little insecure and we don’t really feel like we’re enjoying ourselves, we don’t know what to do. And reaching for a drink seems like a really good idea. It seems like, “That’s how I’ll have a good time.”
Now, the problem is if that becomes your sole way of changing how you feel, of enjoying yourself, of having a good time. You can see how you would very quickly become dependent on it. That’s exactly what happened to me.
I like to think about, you know those water wings that little kids wear when they’re learning to swim? You’ve got this kind of inflatable armbands that helps keep the kids afloat while they’re still learning. Imagine if you wore those armbands every single time you went swimming. Every time you took a dip, every time you went into the water, you had those water wings helping you stay afloat. Now, what if you did that for years? Maybe even decades. And then one day you went into the pool without them. Your brain would freak out, right? Your thoughts would be, “Oh my god, this is so hard. I don’t like this. I feel really uncomfortable. I need my floaties.” So you would probably get out of the water and you would probably decide, “Yeah, I don’t really like swimming without my water wings, so I’m going to pass on doing that in the future.”
This is what is happening for a lot of you who don’t like having a drink in your hand when you’re socializing. You’re in the water without your floaties, and your brain is like, “I do not like this. This is not enjoyable. I am feeling uncomfortable, why would I choose to do this?” And I get it. I didn’t like it either. It seemed like I always had struggled to enjoy myself socially because I was feeling so much anxiety created by all my mental chatter, the thoughts that I had about not fitting in, that everyone was prettier or smarter, more successful.
And so I was feeling all this anxiety and insecurity and awkwardness, that’s what was being created in my think-feel-act cycle. Of course, I didn’t even understand how the think-feel-act cycle worked. I just knew when I went to college for the first time and I started going to parties, and I felt that way, and I had no idea what to do with these negative emotions, and I had no idea that they were created by the thoughts running through my mind.
What I did start to unconsciously learn was that if I could start to get a buzz going, if I could get a drink in my system, that I seemed to be able to feel better and enjoy myself. I seemed to finally be able to have a good time. The problem was the more I did that, the more my brain was like, “Hey Rachel, this is the solution. Let’s just grab a drink.”
I started to get to a place where not having a drink felt like not having my floaties, right? I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel good. I was like, “Why would you do this? Why would you go to a party and not drink? Why would you go to a bar and not drink? Why would you go to a baseball game and not drink? I don’t like this.” My brain was so used to getting dopamine as a way to have a good time. I just had no idea the sort of power that I had in my own mind, with my own thinking, to create enjoyment for myself.
I didn’t even realize that I was the one creating the fact that I wasn’t enjoying myself. Because here’s the thing – the more I reached for a drink to quiet the chatter and to finally have a good time because I was giving my brain dopamine, the problem was all those underlying thoughts, they were still there. They were still unchanged. And every time is tried going out and not drinking, and then I didn’t enjoy myself, it was because my thoughts were unchanged, but of course, what did I think? “Oh, it’s because I’m not drinking.”
I didn’t yet understand how the cycle worked. I just believed that going out and not drinking was one of those things that was obviously inherently unenjoyable, which is a pretty problematic thought to have when you’re trying to change a habit. Your enjoyment is up to you. You can either decide that you want to hand over the responsibility of enjoying yourself to the things that you consume, especially the things that give your brain dopamine, or you can make the choice to take responsibility for it, for you to be in charge, to not need dopamine to convince yourself you’re having a good time.
Because if you leave all those thoughts unchanged, if that think-feel-act cycle just continues to loop over and over and over again, except in those moments when you have enough dopamine to cover it up, well, you can see where you’re headed. You’re headed to a life of wearing floaties.
Now, on the flipside, there is so much freedom to know that you don’t need anything outside of you to enjoy yourself, that your enjoyment is up to you. You don’t need to be consuming something, you don’t need a drink or a buzz to make sure that you have a good time. There is just tremendous freedom there.
You know, obviously, I have practiced now for years understanding this and learning this for myself by not drinking. And like all things, it’s become easier with practice. So I’ve talked about on the podcast before, the very first wedding that I went to when I had decided I was going to take a break, and it was really hard. I mean, I was probably – I think I was maybe a month in, maybe a little bit longer, to taking a break, and I remember dreading going to this wedding.
I was so worried about it, but I went, I really – it was important for me to go. I really wanted – I wanted to go, even though I was afraid I was going to be miserable, and I remember when the music came on, and I was like, “Alright Rachel, go out on the dance floor, try to be a normal person.” But I was so hyperaware of my dancing. I was just like, “Oh my god, this is terrible. What am I doing? What are my arms doing?”
My body had never felt so uncomfortable because for so long, I mean, I just – unless I was by myself in my house you know, I was really never dancing without a drink in my hand. And so I was out on that dance floor, really trying my best, but just thinking, “This is terrible. I look weird. I feel awkward. I know technically that I like this song that is playing right now, but I do not like what is happening.”
And it was really challenging. It really was because my brain was like, “Listen, when we’re dancing in groups, the way that we enjoy that is by making sure that we’re drinking. This is just how you do it. You taught yourself that at 17 and we’ve been practicing it ever since then.” And so it was really hard for me to do it that first time. But I kept doing it. And I think about my own wedding a couple years later, and I’ve also talked about that on the podcast before. And you know, there was an open bar at my wedding. I didn’t drink. And I will also tell you that I was the first person out on the dance floor, and my husband and I joke about this because I was so impatient about wanting to dance. So we were sitting at our table and I kept kind of leaning over to him and saying like, “Is it time yet? Like, when is the dancing going to start? I think this is taking too long. Why isn’t the DJ playing anything? I think we should be dancing already.”
I was really, really, really excited to get out on the dance floor. And he was like, “Rachel, calm down. You are the bride, you are the very first person who was served dinner. There are people, there are guests who still have not gotten their food yet. Take it easy. We’re going to dance.” But I was so excited to get out there. And once I finally did, once all those people finally finished eating, which let me tell you, I still think it took a really long time, I didn’t have a moment of self-doubt or insecurity.
But I had practiced so many times in between that very first wedding that I went and I wasn’t drinking, and then my own wedding, I had practiced so many times really understanding and paying attention to, “Hey, if you’re not enjoying what’s happening on the dance floor, it’s because of everything that’s going on in your head. So if you want to have a good time dancing, you need to either change the thoughts in your head, or go back to drinking, or decide you’re never going to dance again. Those are your choices.”
And I practiced changing my thoughts, and that’s why I could be in such a different place a couple years later. So here’s the thing – if you’re not enjoying yourself, it is time for you to question a couple things. Number one, what do you really believe creates your enjoyment? Write this down. Answer this question for yourself. Is it what you’re doing? Or is it what you’re thinking about while you’re doing something?
Number two, what are your thoughts about not drinking and also enjoying yourself? Does your brain think that’s possible right now? Does your brain think, “Okay, I won’t drink, and I’ll be really healthy, but I don’t think I’ll have that much fun.” Really get those thoughts down on paper.
Number three, think back to a time recently where you did not enjoy yourself. What were you thinking? What was running through your mind? I want you to try and capture those thoughts so that you can start to really show your brain that it was your thinking.
And number four, just ask yourself, “Will it be possible for me to change my think-feel-act cycle, for me to learn how to enjoy myself and take responsibility for having a good time if I’m always covering up how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking?”
3.11-12.2024 Good Orderly Direction
These next two days were more difficult. Feeling the vacuum of not being able to rely on stopping for something to drink while numbing out with Netflix, or of being bored and going down the rabbit hole with marijuana, LSD, or cough syrup. In meetings I identify with both being an alcoholic and an addict, even though opiates were never my thing.
“A little restless this morning. Started filling out paperwork, trying to find a job close by to my apartment. Money is needed if I’m going to be self-sufficient and it’s good for me to have the structure of a job, a good daily routine. I like the feeling I have when I walk out of work, knowing I did the best I could with the resourccs available. Connecting with patients brings me hope, because throughout these last five years and multiple mental health grippy sock vacations, I feel we’re equals…we’re all just walking each other home.
I read the morning meditation for March 11th. “It is when I try to make my will conform with God’s that I begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of power. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of 12 Steps, and Step Three opens the door.
G.O.D = Good, orderly direction
I am reminded of something my best friend told me once, in middle school. She had been meditating on God, and guidance. She told me guidance is a way of saying, “God, u [and] i dance”. I always loved that. When I ask God for guidance I know that whatever happens is the best possible situation, things are exactly as they are supposed to be, even if they aren’t what I want/expect. God does for me what I cannot do for myself, if I let Him. <3
I know I need to find a job…let go and let God.
March 12, 2024 1138 AA meeting. Feeling like I’m white knuckling it, struggled again, withdrawing, self-isolation, depression. Reading about Step One. Humility, being broken down. I believed a lie (shame) and it eventually became my life. Sometimes I feel like my entire life I’ve let myself believe a lie.
The last few days have been so low vibe…just overwhelmed with it all, facing all the consequences from my using/drinking and no longer being able to self-medicate. I hope the ketamine infusions help my brain heal, so I can heal.
I applied to a few jobs but I am struggling with feeling worthy.
ETA: I call these days my mean reds, from Truman Capote’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s movie. Sometimes I can take a cat nap to “reset” and wake up feeling better, but I know now that these days do pass and even if all I can do is sit and breathe, I am doing okay, because I am still taking baby steps in whatever direction feels best for me. Maybe someday I’ll settle down and given the cat a name…
3.10.2024 Today, It’s My Choice
0803 Woke up feeling good this morning. It’s a rainy, blustery day. I found the list of all the traits I want in a guy when I was in high school—22 years ago and tucked it in with this journal. As many times as I’ve moved in those 22 years, the things that are meant to be with me somehow find a way. Yet I know I’m not in a good place for a relationship and they suggest being single for the first year. I need to figure out who I am. The recovery discovery to be sappy about it.
I decide to write down the first five things I can think of to be gratitude.
1) Second, third, million chances to become a better person
2) Rainy days
3) My family
4) My new apartment
5) The chance to learn who I am and find peace with myself, recovering from shame and my fears of abandonment
“at some time in the past we’ve made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt (AA pg 62). In the past I played a part in the way my life had turned over…this realization and acceptance created a dramatic change in my outlook, and this is when the AA program began to work for me. I had always blamed others for my circumstances, feeling like I never had a choice to alter my life. My decisions had been based on fear, pride, ego, leading me down a path of self-destruction. Today, I try to allow my God to guide me on the road to sanity. I am responsible for my action or inaction—whatever the consequences may be”.
I feel led to do a Shamanic Dream Oracle reading, and the following cards jump out.
Closing Door Doors closing, need to stop knocking and trust in the Divine timing (the boys).
Stranger (Curiosity) be open to new paths, ideas, way of being even if it seems foreign
Crossing (Initiation) Time to say good-bye to my old way of navigating the world
Dream Thief “Teaching from an old wound will never allow you a new adventure” You have new stories to rely on and build upon. You are so much more than you know. It’s time to express what has lain dormant. Your new adventure has already begun.
Deep Diver Look beyond the surface of things for your answer. Let your intuition propel you into the water, allowing memories and your emotions to well up as you face the unknown.
My curiosity will be my greatest guide
3.7.2024 Turning it Over
0656 Air BnB studio
I slept hard last night. Forgot to take my bedtime meds (Zyprexa to turn my hamster wheel mind off and trazodone for sleep) but I still slept well. Feeling a little disoriented. Not sure what to do next so I’ll make my to do list while my phone charges.
Exercise
Shower
AM devotional
Board of Nursing email
Call Air BnB regarding refund
File taxes
Clean up room
Brush teeth/war paint
Contact detox center about RN job
I’ve been watching Clone High on Max. Cartoons make my inner child happy. Dad keeps telling me to watch The Americans but it’s so intense.
0820 I’ve just talked with the property manager about the apartment, but there’s a snag with my bank and putting down the $2400 for the security deposit and first month’s rent. I have to wait until 9 when the bank opens. In the meantime I return a phone call to my sponsor.
She is going to be at the noon meeting and says she has a book for me. She speaks to my soul as she tells me the only thing I have to do today is “Stay in the now and be Christ centered”. (I’m an “Omnist”…meaning I’m spiritual and don’t follow one religion…I believe God can be found in everything. Jesus is my role model, and I’m learning more about Christ Consciousness. I’ve decided I’m going to be single until I meet a man who reminds me of Jesus lol).
Words I needed to hear because I get so caught up in the memories of the past (which is when shame really likes to take over) or future tripping, which really exacerbates my anxiety. She reminds me to let go of the shame and regrets. I take a shower and concentrate on the feeling of the hot water. I turn it all the way up, and just breathe. I focus on the smell of the shampoo and conditioner (parting gifts from my roommate while I was at Acadia, a mental health facility) a few weeks ago.
I get out of the shower and realize I’ve been putting on a little weight, because of my meds and also because when I was using cough syrup I never had an appetite. Food actually tastes good again. I make a mental note to try for more protein today and less carbs.
0920 I open my Spirituality Toolkit app on my iPhone and read the Daily Reflection, “Turning it Over”.
Turning my will and life over to a newfound Providence. Submission to God is the first step to recovery. ‘As I exert myself to follow the path of the steps, I sense a freedom that gives me the ability to think for myself. My addiction confined me, withholding any release and hindered my ability to be released from my self-confinement, but AA assures me of a way to go forward. Mutual sharing, concern and caring for others is the natural gift to each other and mine is strengthened as my attitude toward God changes. I learn to submit to God’s will in my life, to have self-respect, and to keep both of these attitudes by giving away what I receive”.
God,
I ask for freedom from my will, let me ask what I can do for others. Let me be a filled cup, that I may encourage and show agape love to others. I feel a pull towards my Lightseeker tarot cards and the first card is the High Priestess. How can I embody the High Priestess energy? I wonder as two more cards jump out: 3 of Cups and the King of Cups.
To me the 3 of Cups is about friendships. The King of Cups reminds me of the archetype of Jesus. ‘Be still, and listen for His voice as I fellowship in safety and trust” is the intuitive message I hear in my mind.
The mantra for the High Priestess is I have the answers I seek, and by following the truth I will find them. I read the booklet that comes with the Lightseer’s Deck (by Chris Anne). Sacred insights and profound wisdom are flowing to me now; to access them I must tune in to my intuition and submerge my thoughts into my subconscious realm. Recognize memories that resurface to be processed. Pay attention to synchronicity, any nagging feelings of being off track, as well as gut feelings that move you in a new direction at this time. The divine whispers emanating from your soul hold an important message for you, and the bridge between the enigmatic realm of the Priestess and your conscious understanding of the signs will be found through your own quiet introspection”.
1028 and I’m now at the Chimera Coffeehouse, eating a slice of quiche and enjoying a Lady Grey latte, a twist on my London Fog favorite. I continue looking up the next two cards.
3 of Cups mantra: “I connect into this sacred siblinghood and into this expansive experience of witnessing through Time.” I’m not sure what the expansive experience of witnessing through time means, but I do know I’m hitching a ride with my brother to help my mom with her kitchen floor, and I always look forward to spending time with my siblings. I flip open the booklet and read, “Deep friendships are the family we choose, and these sacred connections are to be cherished and nurtured. In the best and worst of times, your companions serve as mirrors, allowing you to see who you really are through their eyes. Who do you need to reach out for support? Enjoy the warm laughter that comes from a powerful soul group.
Your mutually loving and beneficial bond carries vibrational attractions that are often ancient, and any set backs arising from miscommunication or disharmony with others may be old wounds or patterns that are resurfacing to be healed. It may be time to make amends. If you need to commit more energy to cultivating friendships, trust your heart to lead you.
“Is there life out there after love?” Reba croons into my hearing aids, and I remember being married, wondering this. I continue on.
The mantra for the King of Cups reads, “My heart holds deep wisdom and love, and I use it to connect and lead”. This definitely reminds me of the Jesus archetype. I imagine the booklet being about him as I read, “Jesus softens His gaze, reaching for his singing bowl. When something comes into His awareness, something that may shake another’s composure and send them into a state of stress or anger—He regulates their emotional state with His mature, practiced, meditative energy. Finding the sweet spot between the empathic heart and intelligent mind is the key to this successful leadership style. He tells me to follow my emotional intelligence to guide me as I seek to marry logic, kindness, and love. If a situation carries tumultuous energies, find your grounded serenity by calmly choosing care and diplomacy over force.
Seek to understand others through empathy, tolerance and compassion, and emotional fulfillment will be yours.
I go to an AA meeting and my sponsor is there. She gives me a book: Serenity, a book that integrates the 12 steps with teachings from the Bible. I listen during the meeting, as a man says something that I had to write down. Then another says something different and once again I am moved to write it down. Out of respect for the anonymity of A.A. I can’t state what they say, but to me, A.A. is so much more than just meetings for alcoholics. It’s a mutual pick me up for anyone in this world, struggling with whatever situation they may be faced with. I’m left with a newfound sense of peace and hope.
I have tried to do things my way for so long, and that has gotten me where I am now…no vehicle, hitting my rock bottom, and renting an Air Bnb. Yet God effortlessly helps me find an apartment, a potential new job as a detox nurse for those seeking to quit alcohol and drugs, and hope. As for the other things I have no control over, like my sons’ frustrations with me, I will keep reminding myself that they are safe, healthy and happy and it’s okay to take some time for me to find the same.
3.9.2024 Surrendering Self-Will
0459 I woke up in sorrow, haunted by vague dreams and bummed I wasn’t able to talk with the boys last night. I tried so hard but it’s like they don’t want anything to do with me. A quiet voice inside tells me to give it time yet I hate having them upset with me.
My brother picked me up yesterday and I spent the evening packing up the things I still had at Mom’s house. She and I went through and picked out some hand me downs for my new apartment. It still feels surreal, that I really will have my own sanctuary, my own place. I try to ignore the gremlin voice within casting doubts, that it’s too good to be true, that it will fall through, that I will once again find a way to self sabotage my happiness. I try to cancel it out, try to believe I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of joy and happiness.
I am on day 5 and I haven’t struggled with drinking or wanting to use cough syrup. I’m just so tired of the self-destruction. I’m tired of being depressed and I am too determined to get my life back on track.
A still, sweet voice whispers to turn to Him, so here goes my morning meditation.
Step One: Made a decision to turn my Will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, page 34). The reading says this is a two part step. I think back to when I was using and drinking, flashbacks of all the times I should have ended up in trouble or worse, risking death, yet my higher power was watching over me. I silently send a short prayer of gratitude, realizing God has always watched over me, because He alone controls the number of us I have on this Earth.
It is only when I come to the end of my rope that I become willing to surrender to God’s will for my life, and Lord knows I am there now.
“Surrender is like the calm after the storm, and…when my will is in line with God’s will for me, there is peace within.”
So for now, I will surrender trying to make amends with my sons, trusting them to God’s will, and will instead turn my focus inward. My words are hollow, and all I can do is show them through my actions and staying sober that this time, I truly mean it.
3.7.2024 Letting Go and Letting God…
From my journal:
My Lord God,
I woke up a little bit ago…I know I am having vivid dreams but they elude me when I wake up.
I pray I remember You and Your ways first today. It’s been so long since I turned to You, Your word, yet I know you are still with me.
I leave a message for the Maine Board of Nursing, to self report my struggles. I don’t have to, but I know I need to. I never practiced under the influence, but I need the accountability. And I know it’s the right thing to do. The BON calls me back and they are so supportive. It’s not punitive at all…she makes it clear the program is for nurses who are struggling, and is to support them instead of punish them.
It’s now 9:17 AM and I read the Daily AA Reflection, “The Key is Willingness”.
“Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more” (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, page 35).
God, let me, allow me, help me to give up my pride and self-will to you. You say this is the only ingredient absolutely necessary to solve all my problems today. I am humbled this is the only ingredient necessary to solve all my problems today, sufficient enough to allow you to enter and take control of my problems, my pain, my obsessions. Help me realize my level of comfort is in direct relation to the degree of willingness I possess at any given moment to give up my self-will, and allow your will to be manifested in my life. With the key of willingness, my worries and fears are powerfully transformed into serenity.
I write this, and go about my day, making a list of the day’s meetings. I’m craving connection with other humans who are, and were in the same boat I am in. I soak up the words and advice, including “What would Sober Woman do?” when confronted with decisions and I’m feeling like a little girl. They tell me drinking and drugging creates a hole, and I need to decide what I’m going to fill that hole with to prevent a vacuum of negative vices. And finally, (this one really hit home for me), “Give yourself permission to obe Big Jen, Adult Jen.” So many times I feel like a little girl wearing an adult body, and this is when I panic and start to spiral. Maybe it really is time to put my big girl pants on and learn how to adult in a healthy mindframe.
Little did I know that by the end of the day, I would have found the perfect apartment close to the hospital and the BARN and gotten an amazing lead for a job that I would love, working in a detox center, helping others like the nurses that helped me back in 2019 when I went through my own alcohol detox. Mine was a week of Librium and sleep. So much sleep.
It’s now March 8th, and the rain has been replaced by sun. My three days sober yesterday is now 4 days, and I feel…good. I’ve just reached out about the job, and somehow, everywhere I turn, God is opening doors and I am at peace.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this much peace.
3.6.2024 Broken Promises and First Steps
He carries around the 30 day chip I received when I went to a 30 day alcohol treatment program in April 2019. I had given it to him last year, promising him Mommy wouldn’t drink anymore, that Hurricane Jenni wouldn’t be wreaking havoc anymore. I didn’t think he realized the significance until today, when his father told me he still has it, and my son knows all too well exactly what I have done.
The idea of letting him down like this, the broken promises, weighs on me. I’ve already written about this, and I know now after going to 6 meetings (4 AA, 2 NA) yesterday and today, that the only thing that matters right now is that I see that I am worth fighting for, and that no one is coming to save me from myself. Nor should they.
I thought I could get healthy for my sons, but over the last 5 years, I’m realizing until I do it for me, it won’t stick.
One speaker tonight said the first three words on page 112 of the Big Book are all I need to do. So here in this cozy studio Air BNB in downtown Bangor, a room and a bathroom that reminds me of my room in my Dad’s basement, I can almost pretend like I’m back in Montana, close to the ones I love…I’m ready to learn what I have to do.
I flip to page 112. Well, that’s simple enough. I flip to Chapter 5, “How It Works” and read Step One. “We admitted w were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”
How am I really doing in life. Well, I have no vehicle. Technically I’m homeless, but I have a little money saved up from working. That won’t last forever. I am epically failing as an adult.
I think back to my life when I started drinking heavily. I was married, lived in a nice house on 80 acres in Montana, had a good job with steady income, and had had my own vehicle since I was in high school. I was checking all the boxes. For some reason I self sabotaged everything, digging a hole deeper and deeper, to today.
So maybe the first step is to stop digging. I know I’ve hit rock bottom, yet I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t help thinking about the parable of the donkey stuck in a hole:
I realized I need to self report to my Board of Nursing. I resigned from my ER position in anticipation of moving to Montana, and I was sober when I worked, but the moment I got out of work at 6am most of the time I was looking forward to getting high on my days off. I need this accountability, and if I’m honest, no one can shame me, including myself.
I signed up to volunteer at the Barn, as it’s called, for Sunday, which happens to be St Patrick’s Day. They’re holding a speaker jam, where people share their stories. The man who runs the volunteers said he’ll help me get into a sober living house…paying $1500 for an Air BnB for the month is too pricey, and I like the idea of being able to form more connections.
The meetings give me a purpose, and it’s like the Universe is speaking to me through these people I’m encountering, encouraging me, inspiring me.
As for my first step out of this hole, I can honestly say I am Jenni, and I am an alcholic/addict. I anesthetized my anxiety with alcohol, and abused cough syrup, marijuana, LSD, whatever hallucinogenic I could get my hands on to get high. I thought it made me more creative, more closer to God. When I was high it was like God was so close I could touch the Presence, but now I know that chasing that high meant losing touch with reality, with everything that grounds me and makes me truly happy.
I think better when I write, and honestly I hope a year from now I can come back to my writings and realize how far I’ve come.
If anyone wants to find an AA meeting near them, click this link: Find A.A. Near You | Alcoholics Anonymous (aa.org)
If someone you love is struggling with addiction, and you would like someone to talk to, click here: Al-Anon Meeting Search - Al-Anon Family Groups
So much love and appreciation to you, for sticking with me this far. <3
X
3.6.2024 First Things First
I’ve really made a mess of things. I made a promise to my sons that I would go to Maine and get better, that I would come home a better, happier, saner person. That I would confront my dragon and come home stronger. That I would be home in Montana at 9:23 PM. I wasn’t being honest with myself, so how could I ever keep my promises to them? The word schmuck keeps coming to mind.
Last night the full weight of my use and alcohol abuse for the last 5 years hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was hanging on by a thread, hoping I would get better, that I would stop breaking their trust and their hearts. I had no idea just how perilous my relationships had become. Or just how unmanageable my life truly was.
It was foolish to think that they would bounce back once I announced the new and improved Jen was for real. Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked into a Beginner’s meeting. Raised my hand and said that my name was Jenni and I was two days sober. Immediately they applauded which caught me off guard. I didn’t feel like I had done anything worth celebrating, but I guess the fact that I had thought about using cough syrup last night out of boredom but that I didn’t…I guess that is something I could be proud of. It just feels like something different clicked this time around.
But even though I feel like a new person, my environment, my relationships don’t feel different. At least not yet. I asked for advice from the old timers, the ones who have been in my shoes. Their advice? Work the steps, but in order. I can’t mend these fences until I heal my own house. They said it takes 3 to 4 months to heal physically before the mind starts to heal. This seems like so long to me, but when I think about the last 5 years, digging this hole deeper and deeper, it’s foolish to think I could climb out overnight.
This crossroads is daunting. Caught between deciding between Montana and Maine, travel nursing and applying to work in Bangor, to going to school full-time. I am fortunate I have options. But I don’t know where I see myself a year from now. So in the meantime, I’m just taking baby steps in whatever direction feels most healing.
I am so grateful to my parents who have been by my side the last 5 years, who love me so unconditionally yet maintain firm boundaries so as to not enable me.
I hope one day I can make them proud again.
2.12.2024 Self-Medicating
1020 AM. Still feeling the effects of yesterday’s DXM. This experience, confronting my inner monster, has been painful but I feel like I confronted myself, my dragon, and the experiences and lessons I learned along the way are worth more than any gold.
Realizing sometimes secrets are a good thing. I found a letter I wrote to my mom when I was 11 or so. Reading it from a different perspective, now that I’m a mother too, is so profound. We’re all doing the best we can with what we have. We all want the same thing—stability, and a purpose. There’s no reason to resurrect this again. Instead, onward and upward.
I can’t wait to turn 40. My 30s really sucked.
I self-medicated myself into addiction. smh
2.11.2024 Best Laid Plans…
I fly out in 2 days, back to Montana. For good. So much to do. Meditating with a self-help app that I love, Betwixt. I want to draw chimeras…a deer with roses instead of antlers, a dog with fangs, a cat with wings. “And surely, you can’t fight yourself and win…”
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.” —Rainer Maria Rilke
I AM a fighter…I relish brandishing my tongue of steel when I see others being mistreated. I thought I was a victim because of my scars. Only now I see all too clearly each scar has a story I’m all too proud to tell. I am a phoenix. They saw me succumb, numb and dying. Now they will watch me rise from the ashes as I sing my song, turning my stories of horror into stories of glories.
My greatest strength is the way the world underestimates me…
3.4.2024 Irish Good-byes
0003 Go Easy on Me by Adele playing as I come back in after smoking a cigarette. Things are changing in the most beautiful way. I’m wearing Grandpa Jack’s argyle zip-up sweater and I can feel his presence, warm around me like a much-needed hug. In a cough syrup haze, I realize my feet/ankles being itchy must be Grandpa’s way of letting me know he’s near…I remember putting lotion on Grandpa Jack’s feet while he sat in his recliner when I was little. Random thoughts are criss-crossing through my hallucinogenic state of mind. Remembering the church where I was confirmed Lutheran, the lady who helped with the confirmation class was named Lindy, and she was a mentor when I was in nursing school and made sure we understood if at any time we were in doubt, to scream and shout…I remember Lindy taking care of my dad after his back surgery, his pain unrelenting, Lindy on the phone with the surgeon, insisting he do something more for the pain. Timelines raveling and unraveling, weaving this tapestry into something so beautiful, this so-called life.
0247 Such a magical night. Watching Phineas and Ferb, the annoying older sister Candice trying so hard to get her brothers in trouble. I remember my ex boyfriend often saying, “Worry about yourself and you’ll be busy all day…” What if I stopped worrying about everyone else, and just focused on myself? How amazing would that feel…to just set down those anxious worries and look inside, focus on myself for once. I started putting together my newest blog on Squarespace, naming it Chiron’s Lantern after one of my favorite constellations (along with Chariklo). Write, let the words flow. Connect the dots as I go. It’s almost magical how easily the tapestry weaves itself as I give into the lull and hum, a murmured lullaby of my Master’s Loom. The Loom of Love that connects us all.
Eagles’ Peaceful Easy Feeling playing in my ears, on my Pandora Thumbprint Radio station. It’s like the Universe has created a set list for me, and the songs keep coinciding perfectly with my thoughts as I go.
I watch Tracker on CBS, because I love the actor and the 2nd episode catches my eye, based in Missoula. I made a mental note to look up the novel The Never Game by Jeffrey Deaver.
1452 I wake up in a cold sweat, probably thanks to the DXM. I don’t remember my dreams, but I know I slept hard.
1705 I find myself at Paddy Murphy’s. I ask the waitress for whatever she thinks would give me the Irish experience. I’m not really hungry. She brings me a coffee with Irish liquor and an IPA. I call my mom back, letting her know I’m okay but I’m lonely. I’m honest with her, that I’m drinking but I’ve already rationalized it away in my brain. I don’t tell her about the DXM but she knows because I get extra spacey and forgetful. When I’m down the rabbit hole time is distorted and it’s hard to keep track of all the details when my mind is going so fast.
She asks me why, if I’m lonely, why don’t I go to a meeting instead of the bar? I tell her that would make way too much sense and I agree to trying it. I put it in my journal as a to do for the next day. I’m still spaced out from the DXM and I want to be able to go without feeling self conscious that others might notice I’m under the influence, or worse, end up in the ER and Acadia again. I’m walking a dangerous line and I know it.
The Fray is playing How to Save a Life…how do I save my own life…maybe one step at a time?
Garth Brooks’ Much Too Young (To Feel this Damn Old) plays next, a song I feel deeply. Thinking about Kevin Costner, realizing certain celebrities imprinted on me growing up. Kevin Costner in Dances with Wolves, then The Bodyguard, then the dad in the TV show Yellowstone. Garth Brooks, Lorrie Morgan, Reba McEntire, Taylor Swift, Faith Hill…they all held the flashlight for me as I turned to them for solace to help me navigate the craziness of life.
I post something to Facebook, wondering who my battle buddies are. Immediately four people respond, and suddenly I don’t feel so lonely anymore.
It’s scary as f*** reaching out for a helping hand, when the gremlins are at their worst, telling me no once cares. Yet in an act of blind faith I reach out anyway and am humbled by the outpouring of love. Sometimes in places I never expected at all.
I notice that this pub donates 100% of their food waste to a place called Chiron Farms, in Chester, ME. The synchronicity isn’t lost on me and I make a note to look into Chiron Farms…I’m curious if they have the same appreciation for Chiron as I do.
I feel like I should eat but I’m just not hungry. Keith Whitley’s When You Say Nothing at All croons in my AirPods, reassuring me, letting me know that whenever I fall I will be okay.
1723 Watching the crows fly outside, high in the sky. I always look to the birds, the stars to reassure me everything will be okay.
Being this far down the rabbit hole it’s hard to tell what is fact and what is fiction. So I become a mirror and gauge my response by whatever input I’m getting. Taylor Swift’s Style (TV) plays and I appreciate the lyrics, the melody. I love how I can cocoon into my own little bubble. I love watching people, studying their clothes for clues into their motives and personality traits. Their body language.
Rihanna’s Take a Bow is on now, and maybe this time I set the bar a little higher as to who has access to my energy.
Sending messages to my battle buddies…human connection is so interesting. It’s like a dance, a give and take of consent and love.
I am so blessed to have so many people who love me the way my loved ones do. Feeling a little buzzed, a little content. Shooting my arrows, trusting the Universe that it has my back and everything will be okay. The idea of travel nursing has me excited.
Steffany Gretzinger is singing We Dance, then Amanda Cook’s The Voyage. The lyrics to both songs resonate deeply.
I talk with Dad and he tells me to watch The Americans. I make a to do list for the next day and fall asleep.
Sweet dreams, chickadee
Adele crooning Lovesong, an Irish coffee, an IPA, and a blue glass of ice water in front of me. It’s March 4th, and I can’t help but wondering if it’s SJs birthday today. I fire off a quick message to Mom. Rosie is in the back of my head, feeling ashamed because she and I both know we disrespected him in his own house with our sneakiness. Yet we also know he loves us and just wants us to be happy and safe, like any father.
However far away I will always love you However long I stay I will always love you Whatever words I say I will always love you…
Maybe the Irish dip out without saying good bye because that’s the magic of the Celtic way…when they leave without saying good bye it’s because they remain there in spirit.
I have all these journals in front of me. Part of me is apprehensive about unpacking them, looking through them, but Rosie is wrapped up close by, purring as she snores with smoke ebbing and flowing from her nostrils.
Mom just called because of my question. SJs birthday is March 12th not March 4th. I don’t know why it’s so hard to keep it straight…so many beginnings in March I guess. And endings. Pisces to Aries.
I’m getting in my head again, need to pull out and realize I’m safe, I am okay. Mom suggested finding a meeting, and that might be a good idea. Think I’ll look for one now. Maybe it’s not so much as not drinking, but the connection of being with each other, in the trenches. Anyway, I looked it up and there’s three meetings I want to hit tomorrow.
3.5.2024 The First Step is the Hardest….Day 1
I just went to my first AA meeting in downtown Bangor. It coincidentally was in one of the churches with the beautiful spires on top. I realized I had been missing a key idea of the whole premise of AA…not just abstaining from alcohol and then self medicating with something else entirely, but being of sober mind, altogether. So that means today, March 5, 2024 is my day one of being sober. They gave me a white chip, and I wrote the date and location on it, then tucked it in with the silver dollar SJ gave me for Christmas, telling me to keep it with me, and I’ll never be broke.
The importance of that chip hits me like a bucket of ice water. I can have that drink of wine, that sip of DXM, but first I have to give the chip to my mother. And if I can do that while looking her in the eye, then I can have that potion I must need so desperately. I’m not sure the look in her eyes would let me…it would be too painful, knowing she has dealt with those struggling with addiction all her life, and now I am further subjecting her to my selfishness. Only a schmuck would do that to her mother, and I really do not want to be a schmuck anymore.
The church was a makeshift homeless shelter, and the walking wounded are all around. I was nervous being there, my anxiety and nerves on high alert. New faces, struggling to hear what was being said.
The next meeting is at the Barn, and it’s about a mile away. I should probably head out now, because I’m walking. I feel like Dora the Explorer, with my backpack full of the things I need for the day, adventure just a few steps away.
But I am happy, and joyful, and taking baby steps in whichever direction feels most healing. I am finally healing.
Hello, World!
It all begins with an idea.
“It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.”
The above was preprinted as I landed on this page. It was so perfect I couldn’t delete it. I don’t know where it came from, but that’s okay. I love it and I will leave it…
So much is reeling through my mind right now. I should probably take something to slow down…maybe I’ll make some tea. Listening to Garth Brooks’ “Learning to Live Again” while wearing my Grandpa Jack’s argyle sweater.
Keep it simple, sweetheart.
-X
Blog Post Title Two
It all begins with an idea.
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Blog Post Title Three
It all begins with an idea.
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Blog Post Title Four
It all begins with an idea.
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.