3.5.2024 The First Step is the Hardest….Day 1

I just went to my first AA meeting in downtown Bangor. It coincidentally was in one of the churches with the beautiful spires on top. I realized I had been missing a key idea of the whole premise of AA…not just abstaining from alcohol and then self medicating with something else entirely, but being of sober mind, altogether. So that means today, March 5, 2024 is my day one of being sober. They gave me a white chip, and I wrote the date and location on it, then tucked it in with the silver dollar SJ gave me for Christmas, telling me to keep it with me, and I’ll never be broke.

The importance of that chip hits me like a bucket of ice water. I can have that drink of wine, that sip of DXM, but first I have to give the chip to my mother. And if I can do that while looking her in the eye, then I can have that potion I must need so desperately. I’m not sure the look in her eyes would let me…it would be too painful, knowing she has dealt with those struggling with addiction all her life, and now I am further subjecting her to my selfishness. Only a schmuck would do that to her mother, and I really do not want to be a schmuck anymore.

The church was a makeshift homeless shelter, and the walking wounded are all around. I was nervous being there, my anxiety and nerves on high alert. New faces, struggling to hear what was being said.

The next meeting is at the Barn, and it’s about a mile away. I should probably head out now, because I’m walking. I feel like Dora the Explorer, with my backpack full of the things I need for the day, adventure just a few steps away.

But I am happy, and joyful, and taking baby steps in whichever direction feels most healing. I am finally healing.