3.11-12.2024 Good Orderly Direction
These next two days were more difficult. Feeling the vacuum of not being able to rely on stopping for something to drink while numbing out with Netflix, or of being bored and going down the rabbit hole with marijuana, LSD, or cough syrup. In meetings I identify with both being an alcoholic and an addict, even though opiates were never my thing.
“A little restless this morning. Started filling out paperwork, trying to find a job close by to my apartment. Money is needed if I’m going to be self-sufficient and it’s good for me to have the structure of a job, a good daily routine. I like the feeling I have when I walk out of work, knowing I did the best I could with the resourccs available. Connecting with patients brings me hope, because throughout these last five years and multiple mental health grippy sock vacations, I feel we’re equals…we’re all just walking each other home.
I read the morning meditation for March 11th. “It is when I try to make my will conform with God’s that I begin to use it rightly. To all of us, this was a most wonderful revelation. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of power. We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God’s intention for us. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of 12 Steps, and Step Three opens the door.
G.O.D = Good, orderly direction
I am reminded of something my best friend told me once, in middle school. She had been meditating on God, and guidance. She told me guidance is a way of saying, “God, u [and] i dance”. I always loved that. When I ask God for guidance I know that whatever happens is the best possible situation, things are exactly as they are supposed to be, even if they aren’t what I want/expect. God does for me what I cannot do for myself, if I let Him. <3
I know I need to find a job…let go and let God.
March 12, 2024 1138 AA meeting. Feeling like I’m white knuckling it, struggled again, withdrawing, self-isolation, depression. Reading about Step One. Humility, being broken down. I believed a lie (shame) and it eventually became my life. Sometimes I feel like my entire life I’ve let myself believe a lie.
The last few days have been so low vibe…just overwhelmed with it all, facing all the consequences from my using/drinking and no longer being able to self-medicate. I hope the ketamine infusions help my brain heal, so I can heal.
I applied to a few jobs but I am struggling with feeling worthy.
ETA: I call these days my mean reds, from Truman Capote’s Breakfast at Tiffany’s movie. Sometimes I can take a cat nap to “reset” and wake up feeling better, but I know now that these days do pass and even if all I can do is sit and breathe, I am doing okay, because I am still taking baby steps in whatever direction feels best for me. Maybe someday I’ll settle down and given the cat a name…
