3.6.2024 First Things First
I’ve really made a mess of things. I made a promise to my sons that I would go to Maine and get better, that I would come home a better, happier, saner person. That I would confront my dragon and come home stronger. That I would be home in Montana at 9:23 PM. I wasn’t being honest with myself, so how could I ever keep my promises to them? The word schmuck keeps coming to mind.
Last night the full weight of my use and alcohol abuse for the last 5 years hit me like a ton of bricks. My family was hanging on by a thread, hoping I would get better, that I would stop breaking their trust and their hearts. I had no idea just how perilous my relationships had become. Or just how unmanageable my life truly was.
It was foolish to think that they would bounce back once I announced the new and improved Jen was for real. Feeling sick to my stomach, I walked into a Beginner’s meeting. Raised my hand and said that my name was Jenni and I was two days sober. Immediately they applauded which caught me off guard. I didn’t feel like I had done anything worth celebrating, but I guess the fact that I had thought about using cough syrup last night out of boredom but that I didn’t…I guess that is something I could be proud of. It just feels like something different clicked this time around.
But even though I feel like a new person, my environment, my relationships don’t feel different. At least not yet. I asked for advice from the old timers, the ones who have been in my shoes. Their advice? Work the steps, but in order. I can’t mend these fences until I heal my own house. They said it takes 3 to 4 months to heal physically before the mind starts to heal. This seems like so long to me, but when I think about the last 5 years, digging this hole deeper and deeper, it’s foolish to think I could climb out overnight.
This crossroads is daunting. Caught between deciding between Montana and Maine, travel nursing and applying to work in Bangor, to going to school full-time. I am fortunate I have options. But I don’t know where I see myself a year from now. So in the meantime, I’m just taking baby steps in whatever direction feels most healing.
I am so grateful to my parents who have been by my side the last 5 years, who love me so unconditionally yet maintain firm boundaries so as to not enable me.
I hope one day I can make them proud again.
