3.9.2024 Surrendering Self-Will
0459 I woke up in sorrow, haunted by vague dreams and bummed I wasn’t able to talk with the boys last night. I tried so hard but it’s like they don’t want anything to do with me. A quiet voice inside tells me to give it time yet I hate having them upset with me.
My brother picked me up yesterday and I spent the evening packing up the things I still had at Mom’s house. She and I went through and picked out some hand me downs for my new apartment. It still feels surreal, that I really will have my own sanctuary, my own place. I try to ignore the gremlin voice within casting doubts, that it’s too good to be true, that it will fall through, that I will once again find a way to self sabotage my happiness. I try to cancel it out, try to believe I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of joy and happiness.
I am on day 5 and I haven’t struggled with drinking or wanting to use cough syrup. I’m just so tired of the self-destruction. I’m tired of being depressed and I am too determined to get my life back on track.
A still, sweet voice whispers to turn to Him, so here goes my morning meditation.
Step One: Made a decision to turn my Will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, page 34). The reading says this is a two part step. I think back to when I was using and drinking, flashbacks of all the times I should have ended up in trouble or worse, risking death, yet my higher power was watching over me. I silently send a short prayer of gratitude, realizing God has always watched over me, because He alone controls the number of us I have on this Earth.
It is only when I come to the end of my rope that I become willing to surrender to God’s will for my life, and Lord knows I am there now.
“Surrender is like the calm after the storm, and…when my will is in line with God’s will for me, there is peace within.”
So for now, I will surrender trying to make amends with my sons, trusting them to God’s will, and will instead turn my focus inward. My words are hollow, and all I can do is show them through my actions and staying sober that this time, I truly mean it.
