3.7.2024 Turning it Over

0656 Air BnB studio

I slept hard last night. Forgot to take my bedtime meds (Zyprexa to turn my hamster wheel mind off and trazodone for sleep) but I still slept well. Feeling a little disoriented. Not sure what to do next so I’ll make my to do list while my phone charges.

• Exercise

• Shower

• AM devotional

• Board of Nursing email

• Call Air BnB regarding refund

• File taxes

• Clean up room

• Brush teeth/war paint

• Contact detox center about RN job

I’ve been watching Clone High on Max. Cartoons make my inner child happy. Dad keeps telling me to watch The Americans but it’s so intense.

0820 I’ve just talked with the property manager about the apartment, but there’s a snag with my bank and putting down the $2400 for the security deposit and first month’s rent. I have to wait until 9 when the bank opens. In the meantime I return a phone call to my sponsor.

She is going to be at the noon meeting and says she has a book for me. She speaks to my soul as she tells me the only thing I have to do today is “Stay in the now and be Christ centered”. (I’m an “Omnist”…meaning I’m spiritual and don’t follow one religion…I believe God can be found in everything. Jesus is my role model, and I’m learning more about Christ Consciousness. I’ve decided I’m going to be single until I meet a man who reminds me of Jesus lol).

Words I needed to hear because I get so caught up in the memories of the past (which is when shame really likes to take over) or future tripping, which really exacerbates my anxiety. She reminds me to let go of the shame and regrets. I take a shower and concentrate on the feeling of the hot water. I turn it all the way up, and just breathe. I focus on the smell of the shampoo and conditioner (parting gifts from my roommate while I was at Acadia, a mental health facility) a few weeks ago.

I get out of the shower and realize I’ve been putting on a little weight, because of my meds and also because when I was using cough syrup I never had an appetite. Food actually tastes good again. I make a mental note to try for more protein today and less carbs.

0920 I open my Spirituality Toolkit app on my iPhone and read the Daily Reflection, “Turning it Over”.

Turning my will and life over to a newfound Providence. Submission to God is the first step to recovery. ‘As I exert myself to follow the path of the steps, I sense a freedom that gives me the ability to think for myself. My addiction confined me, withholding any release and hindered my ability to be released from my self-confinement, but AA assures me of a way to go forward. Mutual sharing, concern and caring for others is the natural gift to each other and mine is strengthened as my attitude toward God changes. I learn to submit to God’s will in my life, to have self-respect, and to keep both of these attitudes by giving away what I receive”.

God,

I ask for freedom from my will, let me ask what I can do for others. Let me be a filled cup, that I may encourage and show agape love to others. I feel a pull towards my Lightseeker tarot cards and the first card is the High Priestess. How can I embody the High Priestess energy? I wonder as two more cards jump out: 3 of Cups and the King of Cups.

To me the 3 of Cups is about friendships. The King of Cups reminds me of the archetype of Jesus. ‘Be still, and listen for His voice as I fellowship in safety and trust” is the intuitive message I hear in my mind.

The mantra for the High Priestess is I have the answers I seek, and by following the truth I will find them. I read the booklet that comes with the Lightseer’s Deck (by Chris Anne). Sacred insights and profound wisdom are flowing to me now; to access them I must tune in to my intuition and submerge my thoughts into my subconscious realm. Recognize memories that resurface to be processed. Pay attention to synchronicity, any nagging feelings of being off track, as well as gut feelings that move you in a new direction at this time. The divine whispers emanating from your soul hold an important message for you, and the bridge between the enigmatic realm of the Priestess and your conscious understanding of the signs will be found through your own quiet introspection”.

1028 and I’m now at the Chimera Coffeehouse, eating a slice of quiche and enjoying a Lady Grey latte, a twist on my London Fog favorite. I continue looking up the next two cards.

3 of Cups mantra: “I connect into this sacred siblinghood and into this expansive experience of witnessing through Time.” I’m not sure what the expansive experience of witnessing through time means, but I do know I’m hitching a ride with my brother to help my mom with her kitchen floor, and I always look forward to spending time with my siblings. I flip open the booklet and read, “Deep friendships are the family we choose, and these sacred connections are to be cherished and nurtured. In the best and worst of times, your companions serve as mirrors, allowing you to see who you really are through their eyes. Who do you need to reach out for support? Enjoy the warm laughter that comes from a powerful soul group.

Your mutually loving and beneficial bond carries vibrational attractions that are often ancient, and any set backs arising from miscommunication or disharmony with others may be old wounds or patterns that are resurfacing to be healed. It may be time to make amends. If you need to commit more energy to cultivating friendships, trust your heart to lead you.

“Is there life out there after love?” Reba croons into my hearing aids, and I remember being married, wondering this. I continue on.

The mantra for the King of Cups reads, “My heart holds deep wisdom and love, and I use it to connect and lead”. This definitely reminds me of the Jesus archetype. I imagine the booklet being about him as I read, “Jesus softens His gaze, reaching for his singing bowl. When something comes into His awareness, something that may shake another’s composure and send them into a state of stress or anger—He regulates their emotional state with His mature, practiced, meditative energy. Finding the sweet spot between the empathic heart and intelligent mind is the key to this successful leadership style. He tells me to follow my emotional intelligence to guide me as I seek to marry logic, kindness, and love. If a situation carries tumultuous energies, find your grounded serenity by calmly choosing care and diplomacy over force.

Seek to understand others through empathy, tolerance and compassion, and emotional fulfillment will be yours.

I go to an AA meeting and my sponsor is there. She gives me a book: Serenity, a book that integrates the 12 steps with teachings from the Bible. I listen during the meeting, as a man says something that I had to write down. Then another says something different and once again I am moved to write it down. Out of respect for the anonymity of A.A. I can’t state what they say, but to me, A.A. is so much more than just meetings for alcoholics. It’s a mutual pick me up for anyone in this world, struggling with whatever situation they may be faced with. I’m left with a newfound sense of peace and hope.

I have tried to do things my way for so long, and that has gotten me where I am now…no vehicle, hitting my rock bottom, and renting an Air Bnb. Yet God effortlessly helps me find an apartment, a potential new job as a detox nurse for those seeking to quit alcohol and drugs, and hope. As for the other things I have no control over, like my sons’ frustrations with me, I will keep reminding myself that they are safe, healthy and happy and it’s okay to take some time for me to find the same.